Sunday, May 4, 2008


I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails/BLOGS over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose, (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot. )

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck !

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl ( Penny Brown ) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ' Under God ' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.I no longer rece ive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there bya molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies due to their connections with/ownership by/you name it/ whatever!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discoveredthat people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

u boil water in the micro wave - lo, im real country then

Don said...

i see i picked the right blog to start the morning and week off. you placed laughter in my heart.

the "if you don't send this email" are the absolute worse ones. saran wrap in tne microwave causes cancer and coca cola removing stains. yep, lol. i can't lie - that bathroom door one makes sense though. either that, or i am too paranoid.

the question you left on the poetry blog. the answer is yes. this is the story behind me and her:

Tia's Real Talk said...

Torrance-Funny how I never use to boil water in the microwave till I moved here to Ga. Lawd guess I'm bonified country!

Don~ I am soooo in love with Coca-Cola but I had to calm down on it cause my dietitian told me the surveyed all their MS patients and they all had coca cola in their diet Lawd knows I don't want that to get any worse. And you can clean the rust off your car battery with it. It is some strong and dangerous stuff but I love it and I have fallen off!
I would get into sooo much trouble at my parents house if I used any kind of plastic in the microwave. Not cause of cancer but other toxins. And yes I use a paper towel to open the bathroom doors too. People are nasty and disgusting!

Wow you took me from laughter to watery eyes. I know how it feels to love till it hurts. If she is truly for you, she will come back. If not, this was a lesson in love and appreciation for you. Trust me when I say you WILL find another that will slowly remove the desire and passion you had for her. You will always love her but it will fade. Trust me. I have been there and now I have found the one who healed my heart. You can too! I hate that you lost your babies to some nonsense. Were you set up?

Petula Wright said...

LOL. These cracked me up! Thanks for a good laugh! I hopped over from Torrance's blog and I'm glad I did.

Have a great week.

Don said...

@ tia: yes. that is pretty much the basis of the book. i knew i was doing wrong (i.e. street life), but we all were. the betrayal is what hurt.

achali said...

lol.. this is hilarious.