Tuesday, May 27, 2008

NO GREATER PAIN


Ok, I thought time heals all wounds? That statement does not hold true for me. I thought the only pain I would endure was the pain of knowing you are not here. However, that pain has now magnified. Not only are you not here, I'm still in shock and confused. True the needle stick is not as painful, but the depth of it hurts all the same. I shed another tear for you last night. I remember when I first heard the news it was surreal. Unbelievable. 2 weeks before the funeral I had 5 dreams that you came back!! And for whatever reason it gave me comfort and peace. In my own warped mind, I thought it would happen. Seriously. I looked forward to the funeral because I didn't believe it. The Sunday before the funeral I was at church hearing about the ones in the bible that were raised from the dead. I held on to that, just knowing that would happen. During the whole funeral I kept saying, get up! Get up! I couldn't pay attention to the service because I just knew you would get up. Praying and hoping that God would give the pastors power to make you get up! I told God if you did, I would not be afraid and that HE would get all praise and worship. But at the burial it hit. This was for real. You were not going to get up. That was the first time I almost had a panic attack. I think a part of me was losing it. I still had dreams once or twice a month that you came back, and you were telling us how you felt different, and you were hungry. We were all hugging you and thanking God you were back. I had to get a grip. I prayed and asked God what does these dreams mean. The same kind of dream. I got peace when I realized that you were ok. The happiness and cheer we had when you came back, is the happiness and cheer that is happening for you in heaven. I have peace that you are ok. Not to worry about you. And the minute I stopped worrying, and came to that conclusion, the dreams stopped, the weekly tears stopped. God was telling me something. You will GET UP! We will see you again and it feels right around the corner. Finally my heart is at peace and I can rest. I will see you again!! I love you more than you knew.Weeping my endure for a night but joy comes in the morning!

2 comments:

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

thats why faith is so powerful

Jaz said...

I describe death as a fucked up & morbid game of peek-a-boo. It's like, "now you see me, now you don't." One day they're here and the next moment they simply aren't. It's a strange yet powerful phenomenon.